Practically Alice

I haven't even attempted to write this blog post until now because I haven't really fully contemplated the goings on of this past week. To say they have been crazy, mad, bonkers... dumbfounding even would be a slight understatement. After spending the last three days recuperating and avidly watching season 2 of Gilmore Girls I have finally realised that I, Claire Margerison, have just left school. I have four exams and a results and that's it. Kaput. Done. Bam. Gone. Poof. Weird. My last day and leavers' ball (prom, whatever you may call it) were sublime - and I genuinely mean that. Other than the nearly fainting and having to leave and getting laughed at in the leavers' assembly, it was utterly perfect. I spent a majority of my prom catching up with teachers and just talking to them about the future, about the past, about my ex-boyfriend in particular (hah, sorry Michael - suffice to say I think you enjoyed the conversations too!). It was amusing and fun and ...

I have decided (for a number of reasons, one being this AWESOME video HERE ) to be more bold. To accept challenges. To push myself. To embrace awesome because, like Abby says in the video, it's good to carpe-diem-the-crap out of the world. I know myself more now, I know my limits (kind of) and I know how good it feels to push the boat out a little bit. Yeah, it's good to go with the flow but it's also nice to ride against the tide sometimes (holy crap on a cracker that's a LOT of idioms.) A couple of posts ago I mentioned the whole Vogue thing, which was fun. So much fun. I really enjoyed the deadline and the balancing everything and the new writing style (interviewing heck yeeeeah) and just everything. It made me realise how much I love to work under pressure when I'm enjoying doing something. I think that was the drip that triggered the storm. After coming out of a relationship a year ago I was more bold that before; I was so much more confident. I could talk ...

After my German oral happened and after a little chat with certain people today I decided to catch up on Doctor Who. I have missed three episodes of this series because of reasons and it was really nice to just sit down and watch them without all the hype and pre-during-post-episode madness that tends to happen. I've loved what I saw of Clara Oswald before I watched these episodes but I just love her even more now. She's a really great character and I really don't see the similarities that other people are seeing. (I read a great  post by my friend Jess on this matter here . ) The way I see it Doctor Who is about people, about adventure and about Doctor Who-ness (yep, there is an essence of Doctor Who). For a while this just wasn't there for me, at all; now, though, I get a sense of that spark again - especially in the most recent episode. Don't even get me started on the Clara/Doctor relationship because I love it so much. So, so, SO, SO much. There's som...

I don't know whether it was the abnormally large amount of coffee I drank, or my medicine, or my pain or even my sheer weariness but last night I started to doubt things. Suddenly nothing felt real anymore; nothing felt like it was actually the way things are, or should be. Cars, buildings, trees felt like nothing compared to the stars above me and the air around me. I don't know why. I feel like it's probably because I've cooped myself up and worked every single day and had too much coffee and my meds are playing up but it was such an overwhelming feeling that it was really difficult to ignore. To feel as if everything around is false... or not false, just something wasn't right is a really weird feeling. I can't really put my finger on what it was, it was just weird. I probably should sleep more... and read more... and stress less.

I almost wish I could sit here in my Sixth Form Study Center and write something entirely and completely profound, but alas due to my failure with regard to writing I cannot. What I will say though is that I cannot believe that in a month I will be leaving. Sixth Form has exceeded my expectations in terms of relationships, friendships, lessons and teachers. The exams I could've done without but it is so inspiring to be in an environment whereby you can actually talk about the subjects you enjoy in depth. We, as adults - or thereabouts - are able to have chats with our teachers that are more mature and more interesting; I've just had an hour and a half of philosophy revision where we've had the most interesting and envigorating discussions. It's so liberating to be able to argue and talk and contemplate things that you wouldn't normally talk about. The social aspects of Sixth Form have been great too - we've been able to go into town and go to the library t...

I wish I could take a snapshot of every single place I've been and loved. Not a physical picture that I can look back on but a means by which I can recall it - recall the memory and the feelings and the very essence of being there. Sometimes you look up at the stars and you get a sort of feeling overcoming you; it builds and builds and builds until, sometimes, you cannot breathe. I don't know what that feeling is but I want to recall it and bathe in it. There are times where you're in good company and having a particular moment that you want to cling onto but simply cannot. I want to taste it and feeling and be knocked out by the sheer breathlessness of it - I want to be able to close my eyes and be there again. I hate that I cannot.

I've never really thought about it before but I really do not have much faith in myself. Despite being all up on the self-confidence thing, I truly don't trust my ability to write well. As I pondered the pages of an edition of Vogue  I realised how little I know about that sort of thing. And by that sort of thing I mean article writing or editing or, quite frankly, the thing I want to go into in the future. Sure I can scrounge together an english essay or film a video but I can't really write. They say 'you only life once' and this phrase is meant to instill some sort of enthusiasm towards doing everything (and apparently means one should dance the night away at a certain club...) and being spontaneous. This past year I've been more and more daring in what do, of going out of my comfort zone and it really has been fun but there are still some things that I simply cannot close my eyes and leap with. Vogue is lying in front of me right now and it's foreign...