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Night time

It's getting late (I'm making my way over to my favourite place... I have really got to stop randomly following my sentences with song lyrics!) and the street lights have gone out. That possibly indicates that I should be asleep but I'm going to defy that for a little while longer.

I'm sitting right by my bedroom window, it's funny... I used to be scared of being by my bedroom window because I thought someone would pop their head up and scare me - I guess I'm still scared but something has made me that little more brave. I've noticed that recently; I'm feeling more 'brave'. I feel more impulsive and like I want to change things. I'm kind of itching for university, but I'm scared too. Terrified really; I don't like change all that much.

I have a real desire to sit under the stars on some damp grass. To just lie back and look up into... well into all of that. Some people would say that it makes them feel small, insignificant and that's a bad thing - but I like it. I like the sensation that I am small and insignificant in all of this. That my life doesn't matter all that much. Sometimes, just sometimes, I don't want to matter so much. That's not not say I don't want to feel appreciated, I just don't want my actions to have a great impact on the world. Not in a sense that I will act recklessly, but it's nice to know that if I muck up it's not that big a deal.

I feel that if I spilled all my secrets out onto the internet it would be a bad idea... but perhaps not. I don't know. These things, these ideas in my mind, they're not secrets but they're... dreams. Silly dreams. I want to wander some streets at night and feel the air against my skin and not worry - not feel any pain. I want to meet new people, kiss new people, talk to new people. I love the people I see every day right now, but I want to meet some new people.

I've been watching Dawson's Creek this evening and it kind of hit me slap-bang in the face that those kids are 15... they're just starting high school and I'm finishing it in about 12 weeks. Finishing school. Forever. Wow.

The night always makes me contemplative, so I guess that's why I get my best work done, or talk to people more easily or, well, get scared more. As it's getting darker and darker out there as the street lights turn off I'm realising how heavy my eyelids are and how close my pillow is. But it's comforting to know that the stars, the world, the big wide world is just out there on the other side of that glass where no big monster is going to pop up. (I hope.)


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