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A Mixture

Today has been an odd mixture of things. A gluten free, homemade cake my my wonderful flatmates; a selection of cookery books (see a food theme here? Says a lot about me), and the most beautiful bracelet from Phil, a bottle of bubbly for later, a bottle of wine for now (well, I say now - it's empty now).

I feel happy and elated and sad. I don't want this academic year to end because it suddenly means that when I see these people next I'll be second year and then I'll be doing my dissertation proposal and then I'll be a third year and then BAM. Done. Kaboom.

I hate endings. I race through books and then get sad when they're finished... but at least with them I can imagine the afterwards. For me, in real life, I have an afterwards (hopefully... ha) with which I will have to cope and deal with and live. I will only have some control over that.

This year I've (ish) come to terms with (kind of) (not much though) my back condition and how it's never going to go away. I've also been diagnosed with coeliacs disease and anemia and just taken lots of pills. It's not been fun. But with the people I've met by my side, my family (lordy this sounds overly emotional right now) and just some weird inner crazy ambitiousness I've kept going. I don't mean that in a melodramatic way; I'm not begging for pity here. But it has, in all honesty been hard. It's been hard because to live with chronic pain, and to then feel tired and to then have to have an endoscopy - for there to be yet another thing is scary. I sometimes get scared my body is shutting down, just kind of has an earlier expiry date than other peoples.

BUT then my flat make me a gorgeous and super lovely cake and give me a bottle of bubbly. And then Philip gives me a bracelet with the infinity sign on and all I can think of when I look at it is to keep going. And then I spend yet another weird but fun evening with him. These moments make it all okay. Yes, there is pain in them but the laughs and giggles and smiles make it worth it.

It's a mixture. You have your ingredients, some of which require a lot of work and attention, to make this wonderful thing. It's not perfect but it's mine. My body, my life, my happiness. I don't know - it's a puzzle. But I'm having fun, and that's the main thing; that's what I have to remember.

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