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Finding the Words

First term of second year completed and it's given me a lot to think about. Assessments have been written, tears have been shed but most of all I've grown as a person in ways I didn't really think I'd have to any time soon.

These past few months I've found comfort in a lot of things; namely Gossip Girl, books, books and more books. But sometimes it has been the words of those around me, close to me that have been the most impressionable. Their understanding, kindness and trust has shown me how to act, how to feel and how to keep on going. I do make it sound rather dramatic but since November I have had to feel a lot of what I have't felt since I was thirteen years old, I've had to spend quite a bit of time on my own and I've had to learn to not drown myself in thoughts. It's been difficult but it's not down to me that I've not run away, or got stupidly stupidly sad, or that I've given up; it's due to my family, and my truly brilliant friends.

A lot of people say you don't quite realise what you've got until it's  pulled from right under your feet, but in this case I've appreciated what I have when it's been the most important and prominent thing in my life.

I've learnt to trust myself and others more (and less) than I used to. I've learnt to spend a lot of time on my own and not go (too) crazy. I've learnt to forgive, and to not forgive. I've learnt that spending 11 hours in the library is indeed possible. I've learnt that sometimes you just have to keep going even if you feel sad, your back is hurting, you're taking loads of pills and you're not feeling too chipper.

I don't get sad much, I don't complain much because I am so very grateful for the life I have and the experiences I've had. Bad or good, they all culminate to make me, me. I have a habit of pushing people away when I get upset, I have a habit of being over-sensitive or hyper when I do see people. I run away or go way too clingy. I have faults. But most of all, I lose my words. I have to fall into books and look to others and reach out to figure out my way; the pile of books that I stand on so I can see what's going on disappears and falls leaving me blind. That's why, if I have pushed you away, or got too clingy, or moaned at you, or cried on you, it's because I trust you.

I trust that if I'm lost for a little while, you'll still be there when I come back.


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